XavierDaSuperStar's Xanga

i need a hug

Tue, 13 May 2008 02:50:59 GMT

I need a hug.

A big hug.

That means something.

From someone.

I can't live my live. I'm this horrible horrible bipolar person. I honestly think when I'm older that I will get this disorder. It's horrible. Someone please pray for me.

I keep thinking I'm horrible person. I can't write anymore. I can't function great thoughts anymore. I can't get inspired anymore. I can't love anymore. Everything is going downhill. I don't do anything right. I have the biggest dreams but I never work towards. I can't always stay depressed. Some days I actually want to, but it has to be happy. I don't know the point of anything anymore. I don't know my life anymore...

I really just want to be happy.

I need someone to talk to.

it's life - part 2

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 04:08:07 GMT

It's okay. It's how you grow up.

So today was fine. Well, somewhat. I did a major job on packing my life away. We sold some furniture and I packed a bunch in boxes. It was good but my room that I'm in right now feels so naked. And I'm on a stool. Not a comfertable chair, help! I put it all in the box thinking I'm going to deal with this all later when I move into my new apartment. I drove past the apartments today. They look fun and okay but I'm just not ready yet. It's not really going to hit me until the day we move into the house. The sad thing? The last night I sleep in that house is the day of my birthday. Sad, yes? I've been in that house 16 years from that day. So, it's hard. I'm not going to cry and think serious about it until we move out.

We also gave my cat away to my friend Jessica today. The cat was with me for the longest time. Out of all the pets, we didn't have to put her to sleep and we had no problems with her. She wanted to always be alone but she loved attention. Weird? She's in a good home now and will get a good life. She has more pets, another cat, more space, and more love. I hope she gets through it fine. When we took her in the kennel, it was hard. My dad said bye. And so on the car ride with her over in the car, I watched her meow a lot and wondering about the outside world because she's never been outside. It was hard then to let her out of the cage. But hopefully she's okay. She'll be fine. I know it.

I went to a party tonight. It was great fun. The beginning was more of me just sitting around the couch with some people talking, eating food, talking. Later was dancing and playing random games. I miss the people I used to hang with. I'm so glad I reunited with some people. I loved opening up. I really just need to come out of my shell.

Lately, I've been thinking about a certain person. And I shouldn't. But yet, I want to. Honestly, from my view, I think they view me as a underrated, sad, annoying, but yet fun human being based from my blogs, convos, and texts. I don't know. I just could say I have a crush. But how would it work? Honestly, if I could do a relationship over the other part of the United States, I could do it. If you can get to know someone so much over years and then finally meet them, you're going to hook. They're astonishing though. We have same views. And it's the type I'm looking for. But I'm kind of feeling that I come off as annoying. And I don't. I'm not, well from what people have told me. But I always second guess myself. I really wish that the person could just bring it up about this subject [the whole crush, and such...]. But then I'd deny it. I don't know. I think I'm over analyzing this.

I want to live with the energy from a 8 hour sleep session, have someone who cares, want some success, good grades, and to finally be happy.

a poem i wrote in the 7th grade

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 14:24:31 GMT

It's something I wrote in the 7th grade.

I'm sick of staring at you in the corner of my eye.

I'm sick of hearing your voice wherever you are.

I'm sick of having a crush so majorly on you.

I'm sick of your acts for when you want attention.

I'm sick of seeing you trying to act like my friend.

I'm sick of wanting you.

I'm sick of how you've used me even though it wasn't much.

I'm sick of all this crap including you.

I'm sick of everything involving you.

But yet, I still want you.

Holy crap, I like that. I wasn't even in love or in a relationship in middle school.

Comment it?

it's life - part 1

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:05:28 GMT

I'm an underachiever. And it hurts.

I've reazlied that I need everything perfect so I can move on. And for me, it's all or nothing. Either get it all done or nothing. And I can't stand it. I've realized that I'm a complete perfectionist. And it's horrible.

I hate going through these teen years. The deals with relationships, finding who you are, friends, family. I honestly can say my life is messed. Some people say that just because they may just have a bad day. Well honestly I believe I have a messed living. I can't go through a day without a problem.

I want to be happy again. Truly to the point where I don't have to care anymore because I know I'll be happy. I want to find someone to make me happy. I want to make peace with people. I want to do good in school. I want to go to college for something that I can stick with my life. I want to adopt kids. I want to find me.

Truly, I want to open myself up. Be me. I could let just all my secrets out and won't care what people think. I just want to be happy.

If you've read this far, I respect you and thank you. I don't care who you are - if i've never talked to you or if I talk to you daily, tell me what you think. I would help me so much.

- xavier.

Lover Alone Without Love

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:25:30 GMT

So, it came to this. My house finally sold. And yeah, I'm fine with it. But this is the only house I've ever lived in. Well, except for my mom's but I don't consider that home. I remember the times. The times where we got the whole street to help paint the house purple. I was mad because I wanted it to be red - my old favorite color. I remember the day my sister pulled that hula hoop up to the tree. We never got it down. I remember always trying to kick the tree three times in the air. It was always a game with my friends. I remember the games my friends and I played in middle school, like hide & seek and bloody murder. I remember planting that garden to the side of my house and that bee that gave me my first sting. I remember repairing the front door so many times because of the damn wind. I remember walking into the house saying this is my home, where I belong. I remember having that mirror on the right when you enter the house - the one my mom took. I remember the day I came home to a new couch. I remember that video that my dad took when I wouldn't stop crying in the living room because he was following me with the camera. I remember my first song that I sang on camera started with the words "I Love You" - such a child song. I remember the light that never worked in the hallway. I remember the dining room. My family & I sat down every day in the same spots in the chairs we had. I miss family. I remember making that fireplace and installing the Tv next to it. I remember the room I got. It was so small. My sister had the whole upstairs - triple my room size. I remember the bathroom. The day I ran through that glass door - needed the bandages. I remember the day I tried to open a bag of chips with a knife and had almost been taken to the ER. I remember the stupid ninja game my friends and I would play in my family room. 20 to 30 people screaming. I remember the patio door being installed. I remember it all. I just do. It all comes back. I'm going to miss this house.

Yes, so hopefully that worked. My house is sold. It's going to be sad moving - espically 2 days after my birthday. We're giving my cat to my amazing friend, Jessica. My dog, we can keep. My dad threw out a lot of the stuff. But it's all going good. I hope. I'm just not looking forward to this. I may need someone the day we move, to keep away from crying away the memories.

In other news, my day was horrible. I don't know why. It just came that way. My mom's problems, my dad. The whole moving thing. People's opinon's. Homework. School. Lack of sleep. It was just okay. Not a horribly horrible day. But horrible, understand?

Oh, and also I need to get this out in the open. I'm not desperate but I really want a relationship. I wanna say stuff again like "I can't take my eyes off of you" or "I think I'm falling for you". That makes me happy. I haven't been that happy in 2 years. I really want to be happy and with someone, again happy. I just don't it in the city. I can't stand high school relationships. It doesn't work. It doesn't. Evenutally, it all falls down. And the people in my town, eek. Let's not go there. So honestly, I don't care if I meet someone on the internet or somehow else. I'm ready. I can stand it. I can hold it. For me, online relationships do work. If you think about my point of view, there is a way you can hold it. You can talk to the person everyday, be there for them. There's so much more to how I think about this. I know that you won't be face to face with them but it works. Even on the phone or internet. It just does. People think differently. I respect their opinon but I'm sticking to mine.

I'm going.

believe, take the moment, and live it.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:29:23 GMT

So this weekend has got to be a great weekend. It was pure amazement. Winterguard Championships! We got 2nd and we're proud. We couldn't beat the first place guard and it was more the fight for second place against Barrington but we won and we're proud. But I want to share something. I was excited for the show. Knowing that you have all three Wisconsin winterguards cheering for you brings you so up. We did an amazing show. Best by far! I was living the moment. After the show, we did our ending pose in a circle and when we got up, we just stood there looking at each other. I was looking at Kelsey and she was looking back and it was so sentimental. We took all our stuff off the floor and exited and that's when I saw Lizzi crying her eyes out while taking the stuff to the drop off center. That made me cry. I was about to cry when the show was over but held it in. Then I saw that, and I died. And when the guard was together we formed a great big hug. Then after, we went to meet our coach to tell us how we did. She told us it was the best show we've ever done. Everyone was crying and it was just the best thing to go through. I felt infinite for once in my life. Best feeling ever. So bittersweet.

Later on that night, we had a pizza party with another Wisconsin guard named Armada. And lord, I made new friends. I know I would. HEY SLOAN, ALEX, SHAE, KERRY, ZACH, COURTNEY, & BRIANNA! I would have to say that Sloan & Alex & I hit it off the best. We just came to each other. Everyone was leaving one by one and the room ended with some of us in the middle of the room playing the Stupid Ninja Game. And we got yelled at too, haha! We went to bed at like 1am because they had to be up in six hours. So we got up also to meet them at breakfast. And we stayed with them, even into their hotel rooms while they were getting ready (megan & i = we). Later then we went to the outside lawn to play with rifle. I love being a part of winterguard. I love my new friends :) I love it all. 2nd best weekend of this year yet! :D Can't wait for next week! WGI WITH MEGAN! AHHH!

The teen heart.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 03:56:14 GMT

Everyone expierences a teen heart. It just happens and it grows. You get it through high school. It happens. You find out your sexuality and the people you are attracted to. Sometimes, depends on who you are, you get what you want. Sometimes, you don't. Everyone's life is a maze and everyone has a different path. That's what happens, we know it. But I just realized that I wanted to not expierence that. Two years ago, I found it. I grew on to it. And in the middle of it and finally understanding it, it was squished. I don't know if that was love. Honestly, no one in high school knows if they are in love or not. Some people say it the day someone asks them out, some later happens in a month or so. Some take a year. It depends on your speed for a relationship. I don't know if I did expierence it. It was my first time. But I felt as if I did. Maybe that's how I am. The next time? Pure lust. And since then the rest has been questioned and turned and made me miss it. And right now, I don't care what anyone in my life has to say. I want to say in definite words - I miss the feeling of love. Caring for someone, not obsession. Feeling the warmth of a hand in hand. Going around showing everyone you don't care what they think, you got that special person. I know so much about it, but I've expierenced such little. I don't want to go around dating and go from person to person. I don't want to have stuff happen over the phone and that's all that can happen till you are legal, no. I want something that I cherish and be open about. Even though that I'm still finding out who I am, there's room for someone. No, I'm not desperate. No, I'm not here for sympathy. And no, I'm not here for your lust. I just want to feel alive.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 02:09:46 GMT

So.

I realized.

I need a lover.

Or just someone to make me happy.

Volunteer?

Or just want to talk to me?

I'm not desperate. I'm not in need.

I just want someone to talk to me.

Make me feel better.

If you're there, or just want to talk, talk.

I'm here.

I need this.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 04:22:21 GMT

It's been a while.

And instead of me trying to go to bed because it's now offically 12:03 am, I'm going to write about so much now. What has all happened?

High School Musical ended. I miss everyone dearly but I am keeping close with people that I was really close with. Usually throughout musicals that I have done, people just stopped talking to each other and never hung out after the musical. I wanted to change that after HSM was done and I did. I'm proud. I'm still in touch with the people I love and hang out with the people that I can. It's worth it. Hallelujah. But I'm happy that I got a lead overall, and cherographer, and partial stage manager. And 200 dollars wasn't that bad for being cherographer. ;]

Winterguard is going amazing right now. I love it and everyone. Last night, we had a rough performance. For the first time in my winterguard history, I dropped and I didn't expect it but oh well, life goes on. We're going through what we did last year. We start out great and go down, then come back. We went down last night. 3rd place. We got 1st the other two competitions but it's all in the sky now to see where we go. I can't wait till colorguard starts also. :)

I'm getting addicted to vitamin water. Ever since I gave up soda, I've been on that stuff.

I saw the Spice Girls live about a month ago. Best concert I will ever expierence. I've been wanting to see them for 10 years. I got my wish. I could die happy.

When I was little, I said I would never read when I'm older. Well now, I love reading. I read junIor by Macaulay Culkin. It was a rambling book but I loved it. Now, I'm reading Speak. Heard it was good, so I went on for it.

Speaking of things I've said when I was young, I said I'd never be involved with love or relationships when in high school. Well now, it feels that I have distanced away from it. Look a few blogs back and see my rant on "I DONT WANT TO BE IN LOVE", well I do. I just need comfort. I need someone. Not desperate. Just come here, help me? Talk to me.

I'm starting to drive. I drove up to 25 mph around my school. I love my sister for taking me. I gained self confidence on that.

I wake up somedays and look in the mirror and just can't stand it. Why am I here? What am I doing? Who is that boy? What is trying to conquer? Who in the world is waiting for him? What can he do to change the world? He's a dreamer. He's a cold, hard dreamer.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 22:44:26 GMT

I really want to start writing a notebook.

And have it published one day.

Inspire me to do that.

Anyways, life has been good lately. It seems pointless till like today where I can look forward to a lot of things, mainly High School Musical & Winterguard. We have our first performance for Winterguard on Sunday in Naperville! I love Naperville! The competition for Naperville was so much fun. I loved it and I can't wait for it this year! High School Musical is almost done! 23 days and I won't see these kids for a long time. I love them dearly, espically the young kids. I connected with a lot of them and love them all. My favorites - Gracie & Todd, I'm going to miss the the most. Hopefully I'll get to see them soon.

But anways, speaking of the young cast, last night I almost cried in front of two little kids. So there was a kid who punched another kid and then bended another kids fingers and slammed him against a wall and little Todd told me someone was crying and I went backstage to see what happened and I see the two kids crying and if you know me, you know my weakness is seeing people cry becasue than I'll cry and seeing those kids cry was just hard to see. I had to give them a talk and had to hold their hands. I'm just so happy they got better throughout the night. They're my tough bitches. :)

I really want to start a notebook.

I remember one day in Chorus this week, with a broken necklace in one pocket and my cotton candy flavored chapstick in the other pocket with the banner of the chapstick ripped off. I wonder how my two friends like Chorus and I stand their singing my heart out but I know I'd rather be doing something else.

That's how I wanted to start out my notebook, if I ever did. It was Tuesday and so.

I can't wait for this weekend. I'm excited.

I hate pimples.

I don't want High School Musical to end.

Bahhhhh.